1847 -- The U.S. state of Michigan abolishes the death penalty, deeming it ineffective and redundant.
1995 -- Top quark found, completing the set, although the winners' prizes would not be awarded for several years.
1931 -- The Star Spangled Banner narrowly wins over Wild and Reckless Hobos to become the official U.S. national anthem.
1789 -- The United States Constitution is activated into a persistent state.
1982 -- Soviet Union increases its presence on the planet Venus.
1975 -- Start of successful worldwide experiment of permanent mental image implantation, using repetitive playback of John F. Kennedy assassination film.
A.D. 321 -- Roman Emperor Constantine I establishes a six-day work week.
1983 -- U.S. President Ronald Reagan declares the Soviet Union an evil empire, precipitating its obligatory downfall.
1961 -- Soviet mannequin Ivan Ivanovich takes his dog on their first successful day's jaunt to space and back.
1982 -- All known planets in the Solar System reach a state of syzygy. All resulting cataclysms are successfully masked or delayed.
1931 -- USSR introduces a universal physical education program, which is abandoned at once in most regions after the Union's dissolution.
1912 -- Controversial British pseudomilitary organization for female youth establishes its first cell in the United States.
1997 -- First sighting of recurring unexplained lights over Phoenix, Arizona. Despite governmental nonchalance, many still believe they are of military origin.
1988 -- First known public celebration of π Day. It is generally observed by eating pies and talking in circles.
44 B.C. -- Julius Caesar meets his end, despite advance warning which he did not take seriously.
1995 -- The U.S. state of Mississippi formally approves the abolition of slavery, reminders of its lone holdout status having become sufficiently annoying.
1780 -- George Washington gives the army St._Patrick's Day off. While it would not become a federal holiday, the following date is now often used as a personal rest day.
1673 -- U.S. state of New Jersey splits into East and West, leading to 70 years of border disputes even after reunification.
1979 -- U.S. House of Representatives begins televising its daily activities. This is accompanied by a brief nationwide popcorn shortage, followed by a glut.
1815 -- The so-called Hundred Days of Napoleon's last reign begin in Paris. They will end on June 29.
1925 -- Teaching of evolution outlawed in Tennessee, thus providing a useful demonstration of the theory's claims.
1997 -- Comet Hale-Bopp achieves its closest approach to Earth, but declines to pick up the many would-be hitchhikers.
1933 -- German government awards Hitler supreme executive powers, just to see what will happen.
1958 -- Elvis Presley is inducted into the U.S. Army, in what would be a lucrative public relations move for all parties involved.
1918 -- Belarusian People's Republic founded. Exiled less than a year later, its government survives despite or because of this continuing status.
1958 -- U.S. Army launches Explorer 3. Despite having multiple transmitters on board, this satellite is not stated as having conducted mind-control experiments.
1989 -- As a novelty, Russian voters are offered some non-Communist choices on their ballots. Intrigued observers note that several of these are elected.
1979 -- Attempts to cancel a partial meltdown at the Three Mile Island nuclear plant, due to sensitivity around the recent release of the movie The China Syndrome, fail.
1848 -- Niagara Falls run dry. Several new religious sects are founded over the next two days before water flow resumes.
1981 -- President Ronald W. Reagan is shot and killed outside a hotel in Washington, D.C. An actor performs his rôle for the remainder of his presidency.
1146 -- Kick-off rally for the Second Crusade, intended to protect troubled European strategic interests in the Middle East.
