John Kerry to become next Secretary of State

Wash­ing­ton, D.C.---In an un­char­ac­ter­is­ti­cal­ly terse fifty-minute speech in­ter­rupt­ed on­ly by ap­plause and oc­ca­sion­al points of or­der, Sen. John Ker­ry (D-MA) bade farewell Wed­nes­day to the leg­isla­tive body in which he has served since 1985. He is to be sworn in Fri­day to re­place for­mer Se­nate col­league Hil­lary Rod­ham Clin­ton as the na­tion's sec­re­tary of state.

Ker­ry leaves be­hind a high­ly suc­cess­ful ca­reer in the U.S. Se­nate, whose per­mis­sive, de­lib­er­a­tive en­vi­ron­ment and lack of time con­straints were well-suit­ed to his tal­ent for dron­ing on in­ter­minably. His hours-long mono­logues, dur­ing which he might switch po­si­tions sev­er­al times be­fore ev­er ar­riv­ing at a point, over­whelmed ad­ver­saries and dom­i­nat­ed de­bates at the ex­pense of his short­er-wind­ed peers. In a rare dis­play of bi­par­ti­san uni­ty, the Se­nate ap­proved Ker­ry's nom­i­na­tion by a 94-3 vote.

The sec­re­tary of state is the high­est-rank­ing Cabi­net of­fi­cer, pri­mar­i­ly re­spon­si­ble for im­mi­gra­tion pol­i­cy, ac­cept­ing the pres­i­dent's res­ig­na­tion, and main­tain­ing diplo­mat­ic re­la­tions be­tween the Unit­ed States and those coun­tries with which it is not cur­rent­ly at war.