Undisclosed Location---The Encyclopedia Blipvertica News Team has conducted an exclusive interview with an unnamed source in the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. This source has agreed to give us some of the real story behind the recent drama surrounding Edward Snowden.
EB: Thanks for meeting with us. There has been a lot of confusing news out there over the Snowden case, and we're happy that you've chosen EB to help clear things up.
US: No problem. Now that things are winding down, we can be more open about what our man was doing out there.
EB: So, are you saying that the person going by the name of Edward Snowden is actually still working for the CIA?
US: That's only one of his cover names, of course. After this, that name will be retired. But absolutely---he's one of our best operatives.
EB: What can you tell us about what he's been really doing?
US: The main mission was in Hong Kong. He was getting information for us about some of the banks there. The people he spoke to were very forthcoming, given what he was trading, and what they thought they knew about him at that point.
EB: The information that the U.S. was spying on China?
US: Come on, you don't think they didn't already know about that? We threw in a few extra bits that already came out from WikiLeaks early on, because everyone's forgotten about all that stuff by now.
EB: How did it come about that he left Hong Kong and went to Russia? Can you tell us about the whole passport thing and name mixup?
US: Hey, the story worked. We wanted to get him to Sheremetyevo Airport for one more quick mission. Everyone has been amazingly coöperative with this whole performance. And all the time they thought they were "getting back" at us. (air quotes, chuckling)
EB: Just the airport? What was he doing there?
US: There is a very secret VIP transfer lounge, which we have been trying to get into since before the Cold War ended. For the first time, we have gotten a look at the place. It's been a real eye-opener.
EB: So you've seen pictures?
US: Oh yes, we've been getting them all along. It's just an Instagram account. No, we aren't telling you the name yet. (chuckles again)
EB: Is he still in the airport?
US: Oh, he's long gone from there, now. Otherwise I wouldn't be telling you what he was doing there. He's currently taking a short, well-earned vacation before going on to his next job.
EB: What about all those journalists and other people camped out there?
US: Some of them are working for us. The rest should really read this and go home.
EB: What about PRISM then? What can you tell us about it?
US: (laughs) Do you believe that? Did you think that was really true? I'm actually flattered; it was a lot of fun making up those slides.
EB: So you made them personally?
US: Yes! Well, my team and I did.
EB: Wasn't that all a lot of elaborate effort involved for this?
US: We have a lot of money, and a lot of time on our hands.