Exclusive: U.S. Spy Successfully Infiltrates Moscow Secret Meeting Room

Undis­closed Lo­ca­tion---The En­cy­clo­pe­dia Blipver­ti­ca News Team has con­duct­ed an ex­clu­sive in­ter­view with an un­named source in the U.S. Cen­tral In­tel­li­gence Agen­cy. This source has agreed to give us some of the re­al sto­ry be­hind the re­cent dra­ma sur­round­ing Ed­ward Snow­den.

EB: Thanks for meet­ing with us. There has been a lot of con­fus­ing news out there over the Snow­den case, and we're hap­py that you've cho­sen EB to help clear things up.

US: No prob­lem. Now that things are wind­ing down, we can be more open about what our man was do­ing out there.

EB: So, are you say­ing that the per­son go­ing by the name of Ed­ward Snow­den is ac­tu­al­ly still work­ing for the CIA?

US: That's on­ly one of his cov­er names, of course. After this, that name will be re­tired. But ab­so­lute­ly---he's one of our best op­er­a­tives.

EB: What can you tell us about what he's been re­al­ly do­ing?

US: The main mis­sion was in Hong Kong. He was get­ting in­for­ma­tion for us about some of the banks there. The peo­ple he spoke to were very forth­com­ing, giv­en what he was trad­ing, and what they thought they knew about him at that point.

EB: The in­for­ma­tion that the U.S. was spy­ing on Chi­na?

US: Come on, you don't think they didn't al­ready know about that? We threw in a few ex­tra bits that al­ready came out from Wik­iLeaks ear­ly on, be­cause ev­ery­one's for­got­ten about all that stuff by now.

EB: How did it come about that he left Hong Kong and went to Rus­sia? Can you tell us about the whole pass­port thing and name mix­up?

US: Hey, the sto­ry worked. We want­ed to get him to Shereme­tye­vo Air­port for one more quick mis­sion. Every­one has been amaz­ing­ly coöper­a­tive with this whole per­for­mance. And all the time they thought they were "get­ting back" at us. (air quotes, chuck­ling)

EB: Just the air­port? What was he do­ing there?

US: There is a very se­cret VIP trans­fer lounge, which we have been try­ing to get in­to since be­fore the Cold War end­ed. For the first time, we have got­ten a look at the place. It's been a re­al eye-open­er.

EB: So you've seen pic­tures?

US: Oh yes, we've been get­ting them all along. It's just an In­sta­gram ac­count. No, we aren't telling you the name yet. (chuck­les again)

EB: Is he still in the air­port?

US: Oh, he's long gone from there, now. Other­wise I wouldn't be telling you what he was do­ing there. He's cur­rent­ly tak­ing a short, well-earned va­ca­tion be­fore go­ing on to his next job.

EB: What about all those jour­nal­ists and oth­er peo­ple camped out there?

US: Some of them are work­ing for us. The rest should re­al­ly read this and go home.

EB: What about PRISM then? What can you tell us about it?

US: (laughs) Do you be­lieve that? Did you think that was re­al­ly true? I'm ac­tu­al­ly flat­tered; it was a lot of fun mak­ing up those slides.

EB: So you made them per­son­al­ly?

US: Yes! Well, my team and I did.

EB: Wasn't that all a lot of elab­o­rate ef­fort in­volved for this?

US: We have a lot of mon­ey, and a lot of time on our hands.